I'm just careful with money

Now some folk, some nice folk, would say I’m careful with money. Others, less generous would say I‘m as tight as a gnat’s chuff. I’ll let you, the readers decide. Because round these parts, I’m Mister Moneybags and it’s a strange feeling to be honest. Waltzing about town and if I want it, I can afford it. But… there’s always a “but” isn’t there, there’s absolutely bugger all I, or anyone from the west, would want. It’s all tat!!

So with that in mind, I went shopping in Guwahati. Me? Power shopping! I really wish I hadn’t bothered. I wanted a couple of new t-shirts and there were plenty of stalls eager to sell me rip off branded names shirts. Now the folk round here are little buggers. Either that or I’m a big bugger! So, every place I looked at…. “Sorry no size for you sir!” God, that makes me sound elephantine in stature. Hang on, I’ll just pop me trunk back in my shorts... ah that’s better.

Where was I? Oh yes, shopping. I hate it. I hate it in the UK and I hate it here too. I actually managed to find a large sized t-shirt, paid over the odds and, when I got it back to the hotel, it didn’t fit. Oh and the other things I bought? Well, in the hotel where I was they had agrabathi’s burning in a holder, on a metal tray. Bugger me, that’d look good in my house. So, off I went on a mission. I really don’t know why I bother. I managed to find a agrabathi holder and when it came to arguing the cost I had to laugh. He wanted 135/- and we wanted to pay 110/- (goodness sake is it worth haggling over?). He even weighed the steel tray and to justify his cost, claimed that it would last forever. Even he laughed when I pointed at a plastic plate and said that would last forever too! Sod it, we split the difference and I paid 120/- . I told you, it wasn’t worth it. That’s even truer now after I’ve used the holder for the first time. The damned agrabathis won’t stand upright and look a bloody sorry state of affairs burning horizontally.

Now, there’s no way I’m paying 175/- for a bottle of beer tonight and I need some cash anyway. So, it’s a stroll out to the local ATM and then the wine shop for me. Well, the first ATM was a nightmare. It swallowed my card and, despite pressing every button in sight, refused to return it! Thank goodness, in the end up, it did and it told me to bugger off and go elsewhere… or words to that effect. Twenty minutes later I’m in a manned ATM booth. And the damned machine is in Hindi. Until the security guard chappy comes to life and shows me how to change the screen to English. Hooray! After I’d got my cash, you just know what’s coming… “Baksheesh? Baksheesh!” Bless him; the poor bugger must be on a pittance of a wage, so I pushed the boat out and gave him a whole 10/-. Well, no bugger gives me owt at work!

As Chrissy Hind once said, “With cash, in pocket…..” I went to the wine shop. Now this is an experience in itself. The whole building is encased I a steel cage. The poor old employee must feel like Hanibal Lector on community service. You order yor drink and it’s delivered via a gap in the cage. Bloody awful experience!

Still, armed with my 60/- a bottle beer, I drifted off back to the hotel. Where the manager was waiting for me! He’d found a solution to my internet access problem. Bless him, it’s only took him three weeks (it was a password issue but shhhhhhhh). No matter, I now had internet access for the night and cheap beer. What a heady combination! And then there’s a knock at the door. Room service must have thought, “alky westerner is back, go up there with some overpriced beer, he’ll have it!” Well not tonight Gunga-din! I did order half a tandoori chicken for my tea and then I stayed up till gone 11 pm, what about that then eh? I’m still a rebel at heart!

Yes, being the wealthiest man in town s great for the ego but if all you want is a pint of ale and a meat pie, what good is it to you?