Rhinos, winos and lunatics

I’m never touching the stuff again! I only had two glasses, honest guv’!
One quick slurp and then I tried reading my book.
The first chapter was six pages long! No full stops, commas, or any other punctuation marks.

I admit it, I was blasted!

Vodka? Never again.

Still I’m up at three thirty am, showered and dressed. I’m off on an elephant safari! I do hope that makes it sound like I’m hunting elephants with a blunderbus and pith helmet?
Bugger it, I’ll be honest; I’m going to be riding an elephant in Kaziranga national park looking for rhinos.

I’m outside my room before five waiting for Manoosh. He’s young and doesn’t show till 5.15am. Ok, onwards and upwards! We arrive at the park and the elephants, already fully laden with tourists, are setting off. We are, proper late. There’s one elephant left, looking miserable, left on the shelf… I know the feeling. I’m immediately reminded of the phrase “elephants never forget” as my elephant gives me the eye! I’ve dated some big lasses in the past but nowt can compare with straddling this bugger. Good God, it hurt! Everytime “Rahul” (for that was its name ) went up or down an incline, pain shot through my groin area. Every time the mahout felt we were lagging behind the others, Rahul was made to speed up, with groin inspired consequences for me.

Loads of rhino spotting opportunities though! Now, I’m sure you’d be great with a camera. Mr/Ms Rhino would look at you with a beneficent look in his/her eye so you could catch the perfect pose. I swear, every time I pointed a camera at any of the beasts, they snubbed their nose at me, cocked a snook, (I love that phrase) turned tail and buggered off.

Back to the ranch for brekkie and then out for a jeep safari. In 2007 I was in the Bangladeshi Subderbans and I saw nowt. It was just after cyclone Sidr and the wildlife spotting opportunities were few and far between. Today, however, was different. Rhino, deer, turtles and even a few wild hens, they all seemed to show up. Bless them; they all wanted to be on camera. “Just one more here, Mr. Rhino…yeah, a bit more antler Ms deer, that’s perfect...”

Back to the ranch once more and I bet you can’t guess what lunch was? I should really sing that song now, “If you don’t know me by now…” Yup, I had chicken pakora with Satan’s arse gravy (the hottest chilli sauce I've ever touched!). Oh and chips, if you’re still interested.

Back out, after lunch to a different area, for round three. We’re off to the western region where I’m assured tigers roam. I shall remain to be convinced that tigers even exist. Mind you, I’ve met folk up Todmorden that believe far worse. After one hour and… whaddya know?? Not a tiger to be seen. Even so, I’m not too disappointed. The tigers of the world are now few and far between. If I’d have been one and see me coming towards me, I’d have hidden quick sharp. The authorities were burning the grass. The elephant high grass becomes so dense that they operate a slash and burn policy to thin the area. Ok, it sounds brutal but what are the options? On the plus side, the grass grows back again within two months. The monsoon sees to that. I can’t help feeling sorry for the animals though, soft sod that I am. Most of the languorous rhinos couldn’t give a stuff to be honest. Even the elephants were quite happy scoffing burnt grass. But surely, or am I being thick, the absence of tigers can be put down to one major thing. If a load of burning grass heads your way what would you do? I’m sure that I, being the timid creature that I am… shut yer face you… would move off damned quick!.

Back to the hotel and after a few days of unadulterated ying, the yang comes back to bite. Hard. Now, I’m pretty good when it comes to planning things. He’ll tell you, won’t you? Who me? Yes you! Aye, he’s not bad at planning stuff is Rob. See I told you! I hate nasty surprises so, I’m sure, before setting off for India, I paid for everything upfront. Yep, dammnit, I know I did! So it came as a bit of a surprise tonight when Manoosh came to my room asking for 1500/- for today’s safaris. That’s on top of all the tips I’ve paid today. Hmmmm, I was hoping NE India was going to prove different to the rest of grasping, capitalist India. Goodness, I hope I’m wrong.

Well, I’m buggered if I’m going to finish this post on a miserable down. Not me, no siree bob! Now how can I cheer myself up? I know, I can look at the pics I took today. Then again, there’s a bottle of stolly in the corner and it’s starting to wink at me…...