Katie's Tits

Oh no! How will we manage? Katie Price, AKA Jordan, has quit the jungle! Bless her, she only went on the show to avoid publicity and seek “closure” on her relationship with six pack Olly from Oz, AKA Peter André. Those nasty viewers continually used their own money phoning premium phone lines so she could participate in the latest “Bushtucker trial.” Nasty viewers! Now look what you’ve done. She may even have to forfeit the reputed £350,000 fee for appearing on the show. Listeners to the Radio two’s Jeremy Kyle’s phone in programme couldn’t get on the air quick enough. She’d worked hard to get where she was battling adversity along the way. “I met her and she seemed genuinely interested in my life” shrieked one listener. The British media love it! Eager to satiate the public’s seemingly endless hunger for frippery, they’ve whipped out their collective genitals and worked themselves into a mass frenzy over this collagen enhanced, overpaid, talentless nonentity. It’s a money-shot for the masses.

To be honest, I couldn’t give a flying fig. There are more than enough things in this world to get upset and angry about. Now, at this point, I could quite easily reel off a list of causes close to my heart. Deforestation, climate change (when did that change from global warming?), world hunger, the rise of the far right and the demise of standing areas at football matches. But I’m sure you have just as many and we could be at this all night. On ITV’s “This Morning” programme, the saint like Phillip Schofield could barely contain his crocodile tears over our Katie’s departure. Luckily, he regained his composure so he could rationally discuss Jedward’s departure from the X Factor. For goodness sake! Has the world gone completely mad??

Look a bit deeper into the news. Buried deep within their world sections comes news of an explosion in Assam. At this point, perhaps it’s appropriate to thank goodness for online editions of newspapers. Seems like persons unknown, parked their bomb laden bicycles outside a police station and calmly left them to detonate, killing whoever in the blast. The bicycle bombs killed seven people and injured another twenty five. You can bet your life the folk caught up in this mayhem were ordinary folk struggling to get by and put a crust on their family’s table. However much we might feel repulsed by the acts, one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. The people who carried out this vile act have obviously done it to promote their cause. Now the next bit I’ll never understand. The perpetrators are believed to be the ULFA, who are pursuing their intended goal to cede from India. They haven’t claimed responsibility. Nor has anyone else. So then, what was the point of it? Have innocent people lost their lives for absolutely no reason? As you know I’m off to Assam in February, The FCO website gives out advice to tourists about countries. It advises “Although foreigners have not been the deliberate targets of violence, attacks can be indiscriminate. Kidnapping, banditry and insurgency are rife throughout the region.” That’s good to know then. I like a challenge.


Top and bottom of it all is, if the worst comes to the worst whilst I’m over there. Don’t expect to hear about it from any national daily newspapers. Don’t for one second think that British editors will be in the remotest bit interested in what happens to a working class lad from Rochdale, foolish enough to try and explore some remote part of India. Not that I care less if I’m honest. Well, not for me anyway. I care about the poor people that have to endure random acts of violence on an almost daily basis without any recognition from the western media. After all, they’ve only just come through a couple of earthquakes; a few explosions should be easy to cope with. The Sun, The Mirror, The Daily Star, even the BBC will be more interested in the size of Jordan’s breasts, or who’s been voted off “Strictly Come Dancing”. Hey, I’ve just had an idea! Perhaps I should take a camcorder with me? Then, if I get taken hostage all I have to is make one of the kidnappers fall over face first into a plate of rice. I could smuggle the film out on the back of an elephant. Maybe it’d get on “You’ve been Framed” ?